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The Consuming Darkness by *bowen13:iconbowen13:



                                         The Consuming Darkness
  
   It was a long time ago. I was asleep in my hammock on one of the hot Brazilian nights. The cool winds provided some relief from the stale air, and rocked me deeper into sleep. As I slumbered, a dark figure descended from the trees and through my window, the taste of flesh already caressing it's brain. It crept along the window sill, stealthily edging toward my feet. It sniffed the air for a moment to whet it's appetite. Then it slowly began to embrace me along the length of my body. Ever so lightly it touched, so as not to wake me, it overcame my legs, my thigh, my hips, my chest, and when it had reached my neck, it tightened it's deadly grip.
   Startled from my sleep, my immediate reaction was to thrash until it released me, but, alas, it was to late. I was already having the air forced out of my lungs with each exhale. Luckily, by some providence of God, my arm was laying out of the hammock and was therefor not caught within this prison of flesh and bone that grew ever tighter. With my free hand I was able to grab the knife from the crude table next to me and plunge it into my assailant. This succeeded only in infuriating it further, and caused it to hasten its body length suffocation. As the last breath of air left me, and the darkness overcame my eyes, I was only vaguely aware that it had begun to release me. My final thoughts before being completely overtaken were how quickly and unexpectedly the end may come...
   I awoke with only the thought of how tight my hammock was about me, and how it burned like a bond to far tightened. It was then that the events of the night returned to me, and I came to the realization of where I was. I would like to say I acted calmly upon my discovery, but sadly this was not the case. However, after some time I managed to compose myself enough to discover that the knife was still in my hand. I knew now that I had a chance to escape this living coffin, but that it must be quickly, as my skin had already begun to corrode, and before long there would not be enough left of me to escape. I carefully positioned the knife perpendicular to my body at eye level and pushed against the walls of my wet prison. The knife, coated with a vile fluid, slipped from my hands upon the resistance. I quickly grasped around in the darkness of my cell and was able to reattain my treasure. With a firmer grip, I thrust the knife into the confining wall to be instantly greeted by the welcoming light of the morn.
   Now wild with enthusiasm, I began to hack like a madman to escape my confines and once again be engulfed by the light instead of this retched darkness. Slowly I immerged, as if reborn from the womb, and was fully bathed in the glory of the sun. My enemy writhed on the ground, dieing a slow death, confounded by what had occurred. Renewed with strength and invigorated by the sun, I carried the dying monster to the swamp from which it surfaced. And as I cast the beast into the murky depths to be devoured by it's fellow creatures of darkness and death, the sun fully arose. As if smiling, it comforted me so that I may sleep in peace, unafraid of another attack, while the sun kept diligent watch over me in my slumber.
©2007-2009 *bowen13
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Submitted: May 25, 2007
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This is the first of a series I have written. What do you guys think? If this does well I may upload more. Check out the prelude to the "darkness" stories. It's on my page.
Prelude to Darkness:[link]
Watching Darkness:[link]


Since people like to tell me this shouldn't be in first person, let me make this clear. This is from a retrospective view, as in he is retelling the story to someone or writing down a past experience. Do you write in third person when you write about yourself?

Edit: Well, I finally broke down and changed the beginning so it is unmistakably in past tence.
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Comments


It's really intense, and I like that. There are a few grammatical errors and spelling that need to be corrected. Watch out for those.

--
"...therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."

--Matthew 10:16b
I think the story itself was great, but your writing methods need work. This is a huge wall of text and it needs paragraphs because it's not that pleasent to the eye. Also you have spelling mistakes along with grammar. The story just pulled me in so much and it was intense like the person above said. I think you have great talent when it comes to that but you need to fix the way and format of your writing.
That's what most people say XP I should probably fix it...
Yay! If you like this, would you mind checking out my other stories, the watching darkness and Genesis of darkness? I just fixed the watching and I'll fix genesis in a moment.
Hmm, you've got a thrilling scene here, but putting this one in first person is a mistake. If you want to document the snake's coming and eating somebody, it can't be in first person while the POV character is asleep. It just doesn't jive. Try rewriting this in third person, first from an objective position (or perhaps the viewpoint of the snake) then from the character who's being eaten.

Or, you could start right at the point where the point of view character wakes up to find that a snake is around them. That would give you a great thriller opening, and catch people's attention very quickly.

--
Joanna Huffaker

Gallery: [link]
Blog: [link]
It's supposed to be after the fact, like he's telling the story to someone.
In that case, you need to set that up before your narrator starts telling the story, and have that obvious from the very first. Maybe even have that story (of the narrator telling other people about the story) Interspersed with the snake story itself.

--
Joanna Huffaker

Gallery: [link]
Blog: [link]

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